I don’t know about you, but I never really
Maybe that’s what’s really difficult to swallow. Taking a trip to a place we’ve been before is also taking a trip in time. The psychological significance of our past comes back with the place, whether we want it to or not. Last month in Santa Barbara, visiting for the first time in nearly four years, I was overwhelmed by a flood of long forgotten memories that were awakened by the smells, sights, and sounds that defined them.
Lots of bad things happened when I live in Santa Barbara. I lost my grandfather and my cousin. My parents divorced. I had my heart broken. Plus I was in graduate school, so my six years there were somewhat defined by stress and anxiety. But I also had amazing friends and mentors, and a lovely sense of freedom. Santa Barbara is where I developed my infatuation with hiking – in 10 minutes I could be in the middle of nowhere, breathing fresh air and letting the surrounding smells and sounds help me process what it meant to become an adult. It was that peace offered amidst all the chaos, cutoff from the rest of Southern California’s urban sprawl by the Santa Ynez mountains, that I loved.
Even now, writing this article, I’m feeling somewhat haunted revisiting my past. Looking up Santa Barbara County on Wikipedia I realize that I really know this place. Or at least I knew it. But I also left her for a medieval British town before coming to an Arabian desert. These are also places that I know and love. That’s the thing about having a restless spirit. Constantly wanting to experience something new means you give up having something stable and familiar. Facing that fact – going home – points out what’s missing.
I love your discussion of memory and neurology in this article!
Oh how I understand this! I walk a constant tightrope between the “new” and the “known.” Haven’t made peace with it yet, but also thankful for the many places I now count as home – there is a special joy in knowing you can make a community and chart a course wherever you land – still, I hope someday to actually land.